Honesty, Darkness, and Finding Peace

I use to be a hardcore honest person. That's weird to put "hardcore" and "honest" together but that's how I felt. I believed in being super honest - above just basic telling the truth... almost telling more than the truth - revealing the thoughts and feelings that make a person blush or feel ashamed. Hence the title of this blog - "Let's be honest here...."

So, I'm going start trying to reveal more - show my raw thoughts.

Here's the story-

The last few weeks have been hell for me mentally. I'm not going to focus on causes of this mental craziness because I don't completely know what happened. Maybe it was a spiritual battle that I couldn't see, maybe it was too much stress from school, maybe it was because of a manipulative friend - I don't know. I'm going to focus on how I felt and what is happening now.

It felt awful. It felt more than awful. I couldn't even put words to it at the time. I just kept waiting for it to go away. I felt shaky, unable to sleep or cry, very negative, depressed. I didn't see the point of anything - I didn't see the point of life. I didn't do my readings or homework causing a lot of anxiety at school. I would try to do my homework and it would sit in front of me FOR HOURS while I didn't do it. I kept looking for an answer; a quote, poem, metaphorical story, something, anything to snap me out of this dream like trance. I missed class in the morning because I honestly couldn't get of bed (my alarm would go off and I would hit it for 3 hours while asleep). I kept trying to focus on the positive, be thankful, rely on God's strength instead of my own - I kept trying and trying and trying and failed and failed and failed. I found myself trying to control the situation myself - knowing that I couldn't  - I gave up on a lot of things. I gave up on cleaning, cooking, exercising.

EDIT
Okay, I originally wrote the above paragraphs on November 21. Now it is December 6th. I don't remember where I was going with it. . . but I'll give it new life and a new direction.

Going back and reading that paragraph about how awful that time in my life was, brought tears to my eyes. It was so painful. I'm guessing it was some form of depression. Those couple of weeks are a huge blur to me. I don't remember much (I tend to block bad memories until I think they never happened -  very unhealthy, I know). I didn't journal during this time but I did start drawing again.
Side note: I use to be really artsy fartsy and draw and doodle and be creative all over the place. 


So, I have little sketches of this time. I glanced through them and there was one that really seemed to summarize the way I felt. I drew a picture of me falling and screaming "When I am going to hit rock bottom!?" and at the very bottom of the page in tiny letters I wrote, "I want to hit rock bottom so badly" (or something like that). I literally wanted to hit rock bottom. I remember lying in bed and thinking - it can't worse than this. And the next day it would. And this went on for weeks...

OKAY. ENOUGH DEPRESSING BLAH BLAH JARGON.

As you might have been able to tell, I am no longer in that mental state anymore. I don't know when things switch - I don't think it happened over night. But things are different now. Life is peaceful - it isn't great but peaceful. I'm learning two things:

#1) I will only grow and improve in baby steps. One of my life focuses in life is to be a great woman of God. I have this image in my head of this lady that is humble, doesn't wear make-up, loves children with boils and flesh wounds, etc. I want to be that lady! I have always been striving to be this woman on a daily basis until recently. I have learned that it takes very little steps/actions to become a woman of God. I have started with the littlest tinniest things. For example, last night I picked up my own sucker stick after it fell out of my pocket in the parking lot. I am really ashamed to admit that at first I took a couple of steps passed the sucker stick and pretended it didn't happen. But then, I stopped for a moment and realized that God would want me to pick up that sucker stick. So I did. Now, you all know that I am horrible person whose first thought is to litter on the ground.

Other small deeds: Listening instead of talking, smiling when greeting someone, hanging up clothes on the sales rack at clothes (ya know the ones, that end up falling off because of the pushing and pulling and tangles), giving small gifts, saying compliments, stopping completely at a stop sign -- very small things.

I believe that it's these small baby steps that will lead me to becoming a woman of God.

#2) Devotional time is not the only way to peace. If you were at my baptism, you would have heard me talk about "inner peace". I was going through a hard time (boyfriend dumped me) and then just a few days later I was scheduled to be baptized. I was sitting on a mountain trying to sort out all my feelings of hurt and despair. I was praying and reading my Bible and suddenly I had peace. It was like a lighting bolt of peace. I can't even describe how peaceful I was. I think I said at my baptism, "Somebody could have slapped in the face and I wouldn't have cared because my insides were so peaceful." Since this crazy profound (only real God) moment of my life, I always thought I should find peace by sitting on a mountain praying and journaling and reading my Bible and blah blah blah. . . Well guess what? It worked once in 2008 and it didn't work in 2010.

There is almost something selfish about running away to have quiet peaceful time. I understand the importance of it but I think it is grossly overestimated. I use to think that I had to have so many things in order to find peace and tranquility with God (AKA quiet devotional time).

 Here was my check list:

• Bible
• Journal
• A good pen (RSVPs are my favorite)
• Devotional Book
• Stillness
• Must be alone 
• Must have a considerable amount of time

I also had preferences:

1. Nature - away from the city and urban chaos
2. It should be in the morning or night time
3. I should do it very secretly (I struggle with this - Matthew 6:6)
4. I want to be very comfortable - in bed, on my arm chair, leaning against a tree, etc.

That is a lot of requirements! Needing time and aloneness were the two biggest problems. But recently, I've come to realize - I don't need anything of those things to spend time with God. I feel like God is really opening my eyes to the fact that I don't need to even "spend time" with Him - He is with me always. I definitely don't have the whole "constant presence" feeling yet but I have found that it's really easy to pray whenever- in class, walking, driving, talking, listening (might lead to bad listening skills but sometimes I actually pray that I can listen better), writing papers, facebooking, eating cheeze-its, texting... whenever I want to. There's a huge comfort in really realizing that.

Also, the Bible is online. The whole thing. No need to carry around a leather bound, red letter, flimsy paper Bible. You just need the internet. I feel like one of the lies of the devil is that time with God needs to be sacred and holy. For me, I use to think that a get more out of the Bible if I read it from my special red celtic Bible that has so many fond memories attached to it. It's special. But I think God would appreciate reading the Bible off the internet all the same. There's nothing mystical about reading the Bible online but there's nothing mystical about reading it off of paper either. Words are words, it's God that gives them power (as well as opening your heart to them).

Okay, I am officially babbling on. . .

Point of the story - small steps and God always.

AND

I am doing much MUCH much better. Things seem to fall into place when my life is centered on God. It really is quite peaceful. I just give all my fears and worries to Him. They're His problems now. Heh.

I don't need this location to feel peace :)