Weight Loss Story

I always feel strange telling my "weight loss story" because my weight has always been up and down... and I didn't keep very good track of it.

In middle school, I was overweight. I was the chubby girl that hated running. I felt very awkward about myself and I found attention by being the funny, crazy girl. 

These are really embarrassing. 

Then, I went to high school. I really wanted to play sports but I never tried out. I felt too fat and too slow. I have no idea if I was classified as "overweight" in high school but I felt overweight. Looking back at pictures, I wasn't that big of a girl:

I've always hated my legs. I think they are fat and chunky. 

I found ways to avoid showing off my legs in the summer - wear hospital pants or a skirt. 

Then.... I went to college. And I gained a lot of weight - I think my highest weight was in the Spring of 2008 (2 years of being college). I ate crappy - really crappy. Then I went to Yellowstone National Park to work for a summer and that kick started my weight loss. 

Now, the last three years have been up and down. I was never as big as I was in 2008 but I did gain weight and started to feel like the chubby girl again. 

Then... I went to Yellowstone National Park again! And it (once again), kick started more weight loss. Once I got back, I continued to loose weight and we get to today. . . 

Here is the grand "before and after" picture:

The picture the left is the biggest picture of me I could find. The picture on the right is the most recent picture of me. It was snapped on my boyfriends phone while I tried on clothes (for fun) at Banana Republic. 

I have lost 70 pounds and went down 6 dress sizes. 

It's strange because I have never been this size. I am not use to it. 

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.

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Since I'm going along the theme of being honest - I'll be honest. . . 

Currently (as in right now as I'm typing in my bed), I hate being skinny. Well, that's kind of lie - I love it and hate it. I love it because I feel awesome. I can walk into a store and try on almost anything and it probably will look good. I don't need to worry about love handles, tires, or muffin tops.

I hate it because nothing in my closet fits. And if you've been following my blog then you know that I am on a strict "no spending" budget. 

On Christmas Eve, I am suppose to go out to dinner with my boyfriend's family. I am very stressed out about this. I was told to wear something nice but not formal. This is the worse situation for me. Even before (when all my clothes fit), I would stress out about this. But now, I literally don't have anything to wear. I thought maybe, I had some black pants I could wear so I tried them on. This is what it looks like:

This is how most my clothes look. All my tops can be pinch in the back about 3 - 4 inches.

I feel like such a brat right now. I'm complaining because I'm "too skinny" and that I "don't have enough clothes." I'm ashamed to admit that because I should be thankful that I'm in a healthy BMI range (finally) and that I have any clothes (even if they are too big). 

But regardless of my efforts to be thankful, I'm still stressed about what to wear on Saturday. . . 

Sorry for getting so off track and dampening the mood of my weight loss story. This is just how I'm feeling currently (on a grey rainy day). Taking a step back, I feel happy and proud of myself - it's taken a lot of work to loose weight. I shouldn't worry about buying clothes that fit because I can do that in the future. Now is the time that I should focus on maintaining my weight and making sure I don't gain it back.

And if you are curious how I lost it - eating less, drinking lots of water, and exercising. 

My New Motto

Study Break #2 

Study Break....

{i love curly brackets}

And guess what profession is guaranteed to use them? 

No, not a web designer

 --> A high school math teacher!

{back to studying}

The Importance of Friendships

Friends are important. Duh.

As self-evident as that is, I think this is a lesson that I need to learn over and over. When I feel trapped and busy and stressed out, the last thing I do is see friends. I tell myself: I don't have the time, seeing them will stress me out even more, and my brain is too overloaded to be a good listener. I want to get away from people and spend time alone relaxing because everything is about me when I'm stressed out.

I have been in this cycle more than once and almost every time I come out of it, I realize that friends never hinder my mental health. When I think seeing them will stress me out, it actually causes me to relax and feel good for a moment. It's strange really - logically it doesn't make sense. Adding one more moment to my already full brain should put me into overload and die. But I don't die, I feel relieved.

My logically conclusion?
Seeing friends forces me to not focus on me for a moment - it's a relief.

So, during this stressful exam season - I need to make time to spend with friends. Even if it's only an hour. I know that laughing and talking and catching up and discussing and eating and playing "go fish" will be more beneficial than spending time alone relaxing.

Here is a photo tribute to friends:

I love you all very much. Thank you for putting up with my highs and lows.

Sorry for the messy, I don't know how to organize the photos. Also, click if you want to see one bigger :)

New Clothes

I've lost a bit of weight recently. . . maybe a bit more than a bit.

It's really frustrating.  I know- I'm a "skinny bitch." I'm complaining about loosing weight when millions of millions (and probably you) have trouble and a terrible time with it. My advice - go to Yellowstone and get poor.  But really, I'm done loosing weight until I can buy new clothes. I've actually been trying to put some weight back on. I go back and forth on the scale, plus or minus 5 pounds. 

On Black Friday, I went to Kohl's. I earned myself a shiny $15 in Kohl's cash. I was PUMPED to spend $15 on myself. ABSOLUTELY PUMPED. I spent 1 hour and 45 minutes in the store looking and debating on what to spend my precious $15 on. I went to the dressing 5 times. I probably tried on more than 20 tops and 10 pairs of jeans. It was really exciting!

And it wasn't just the money. It was that I have this awesome little skinny mini body and everything looks good on me (okay, I'm being prideful). I look good and I didn't really realize how new clothes could affect my persona and attitude towards myself. 

Two things happened: 

#1) I got very prideful. I thought I was better than everybody in the whole world. Why? Because I looked good and hot and sexy. And I was aloud to say that because at one point I did not look good or hot or sexy. 

#2) I started finding my value in outward appearance. My thoughts drifted towards, "I would feel so much better if I had a whole new wardrobe" . . . "if only I could afford one nice pair of jeans and three nice tops". . . "look at everybody else, they get to wear Banana Republic and Target and clothes that aren't faded or too big." Yes, I actually did have a thought of jealousy when my friend told me she bought new clothes at Target. . . "If only I could afford Target clothes..."

One thing learned:

LOOKS DONT MATTER. 
Even as I write that, I want to fight it. I want to say - "No, but they doooo! My boss says so, my professor says so, my friends so, my December issue of Real Simple says so..." But yeah know who doesn't say so!? (You know where I'm going with this one...) God.

Yeah, he doesn't care. He thinks that beauty is fleeting - that means, beauty is going to fade quickly. I won't be skinny and pretty forever - ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DEAD. And those peoples clothes won't be always so bright and colorful - especially when moths eat them. I need to focus on things that matter - like ETERNITY and virtues and blah blah blah good stuff good stuff.

But I still really want new clothes. If you have any clothes that you need to get rid of  (I know you do!!), give them to me (size small/medium or size 6 for pants)!

Here's what I spent my $15 Kohl's cash on:

Yep. A pair of new jeans (FOR ONLY $10.80) and a Justin Bieber shirt that I found in the little girls section. I thought it was a really good idea at the time...

But I am REALLY happy that I have a pair of jeans that fit me. I have legs again! and a waist!
The only problem is that they are extremely uncomfortable. Probably why they were $10. . . 




EDIT 6 minutes later..
I'm an oxymoron - AKA Hypocrite.
I'll have to write a post about my feeling about this post - How do I stay confident and true to myself yet not be consumed with the outside image?

Honesty, Darkness, and Finding Peace

I use to be a hardcore honest person. That's weird to put "hardcore" and "honest" together but that's how I felt. I believed in being super honest - above just basic telling the truth... almost telling more than the truth - revealing the thoughts and feelings that make a person blush or feel ashamed. Hence the title of this blog - "Let's be honest here...."

So, I'm going start trying to reveal more - show my raw thoughts.

Here's the story-

The last few weeks have been hell for me mentally. I'm not going to focus on causes of this mental craziness because I don't completely know what happened. Maybe it was a spiritual battle that I couldn't see, maybe it was too much stress from school, maybe it was because of a manipulative friend - I don't know. I'm going to focus on how I felt and what is happening now.

It felt awful. It felt more than awful. I couldn't even put words to it at the time. I just kept waiting for it to go away. I felt shaky, unable to sleep or cry, very negative, depressed. I didn't see the point of anything - I didn't see the point of life. I didn't do my readings or homework causing a lot of anxiety at school. I would try to do my homework and it would sit in front of me FOR HOURS while I didn't do it. I kept looking for an answer; a quote, poem, metaphorical story, something, anything to snap me out of this dream like trance. I missed class in the morning because I honestly couldn't get of bed (my alarm would go off and I would hit it for 3 hours while asleep). I kept trying to focus on the positive, be thankful, rely on God's strength instead of my own - I kept trying and trying and trying and failed and failed and failed. I found myself trying to control the situation myself - knowing that I couldn't  - I gave up on a lot of things. I gave up on cleaning, cooking, exercising.

EDIT
Okay, I originally wrote the above paragraphs on November 21. Now it is December 6th. I don't remember where I was going with it. . . but I'll give it new life and a new direction.

Going back and reading that paragraph about how awful that time in my life was, brought tears to my eyes. It was so painful. I'm guessing it was some form of depression. Those couple of weeks are a huge blur to me. I don't remember much (I tend to block bad memories until I think they never happened -  very unhealthy, I know). I didn't journal during this time but I did start drawing again.
Side note: I use to be really artsy fartsy and draw and doodle and be creative all over the place. 


So, I have little sketches of this time. I glanced through them and there was one that really seemed to summarize the way I felt. I drew a picture of me falling and screaming "When I am going to hit rock bottom!?" and at the very bottom of the page in tiny letters I wrote, "I want to hit rock bottom so badly" (or something like that). I literally wanted to hit rock bottom. I remember lying in bed and thinking - it can't worse than this. And the next day it would. And this went on for weeks...

OKAY. ENOUGH DEPRESSING BLAH BLAH JARGON.

As you might have been able to tell, I am no longer in that mental state anymore. I don't know when things switch - I don't think it happened over night. But things are different now. Life is peaceful - it isn't great but peaceful. I'm learning two things:

#1) I will only grow and improve in baby steps. One of my life focuses in life is to be a great woman of God. I have this image in my head of this lady that is humble, doesn't wear make-up, loves children with boils and flesh wounds, etc. I want to be that lady! I have always been striving to be this woman on a daily basis until recently. I have learned that it takes very little steps/actions to become a woman of God. I have started with the littlest tinniest things. For example, last night I picked up my own sucker stick after it fell out of my pocket in the parking lot. I am really ashamed to admit that at first I took a couple of steps passed the sucker stick and pretended it didn't happen. But then, I stopped for a moment and realized that God would want me to pick up that sucker stick. So I did. Now, you all know that I am horrible person whose first thought is to litter on the ground.

Other small deeds: Listening instead of talking, smiling when greeting someone, hanging up clothes on the sales rack at clothes (ya know the ones, that end up falling off because of the pushing and pulling and tangles), giving small gifts, saying compliments, stopping completely at a stop sign -- very small things.

I believe that it's these small baby steps that will lead me to becoming a woman of God.

#2) Devotional time is not the only way to peace. If you were at my baptism, you would have heard me talk about "inner peace". I was going through a hard time (boyfriend dumped me) and then just a few days later I was scheduled to be baptized. I was sitting on a mountain trying to sort out all my feelings of hurt and despair. I was praying and reading my Bible and suddenly I had peace. It was like a lighting bolt of peace. I can't even describe how peaceful I was. I think I said at my baptism, "Somebody could have slapped in the face and I wouldn't have cared because my insides were so peaceful." Since this crazy profound (only real God) moment of my life, I always thought I should find peace by sitting on a mountain praying and journaling and reading my Bible and blah blah blah. . . Well guess what? It worked once in 2008 and it didn't work in 2010.

There is almost something selfish about running away to have quiet peaceful time. I understand the importance of it but I think it is grossly overestimated. I use to think that I had to have so many things in order to find peace and tranquility with God (AKA quiet devotional time).

 Here was my check list:

• Bible
• Journal
• A good pen (RSVPs are my favorite)
• Devotional Book
• Stillness
• Must be alone 
• Must have a considerable amount of time

I also had preferences:

1. Nature - away from the city and urban chaos
2. It should be in the morning or night time
3. I should do it very secretly (I struggle with this - Matthew 6:6)
4. I want to be very comfortable - in bed, on my arm chair, leaning against a tree, etc.

That is a lot of requirements! Needing time and aloneness were the two biggest problems. But recently, I've come to realize - I don't need anything of those things to spend time with God. I feel like God is really opening my eyes to the fact that I don't need to even "spend time" with Him - He is with me always. I definitely don't have the whole "constant presence" feeling yet but I have found that it's really easy to pray whenever- in class, walking, driving, talking, listening (might lead to bad listening skills but sometimes I actually pray that I can listen better), writing papers, facebooking, eating cheeze-its, texting... whenever I want to. There's a huge comfort in really realizing that.

Also, the Bible is online. The whole thing. No need to carry around a leather bound, red letter, flimsy paper Bible. You just need the internet. I feel like one of the lies of the devil is that time with God needs to be sacred and holy. For me, I use to think that a get more out of the Bible if I read it from my special red celtic Bible that has so many fond memories attached to it. It's special. But I think God would appreciate reading the Bible off the internet all the same. There's nothing mystical about reading the Bible online but there's nothing mystical about reading it off of paper either. Words are words, it's God that gives them power (as well as opening your heart to them).

Okay, I am officially babbling on. . .

Point of the story - small steps and God always.

AND

I am doing much MUCH much better. Things seem to fall into place when my life is centered on God. It really is quite peaceful. I just give all my fears and worries to Him. They're His problems now. Heh.

I don't need this location to feel peace :)