Weight Loss Story

I always feel strange telling my "weight loss story" because my weight has always been up and down... and I didn't keep very good track of it.

In middle school, I was overweight. I was the chubby girl that hated running. I felt very awkward about myself and I found attention by being the funny, crazy girl. 

These are really embarrassing. 

Then, I went to high school. I really wanted to play sports but I never tried out. I felt too fat and too slow. I have no idea if I was classified as "overweight" in high school but I felt overweight. Looking back at pictures, I wasn't that big of a girl:

I've always hated my legs. I think they are fat and chunky. 

I found ways to avoid showing off my legs in the summer - wear hospital pants or a skirt. 

Then.... I went to college. And I gained a lot of weight - I think my highest weight was in the Spring of 2008 (2 years of being college). I ate crappy - really crappy. Then I went to Yellowstone National Park to work for a summer and that kick started my weight loss. 

Now, the last three years have been up and down. I was never as big as I was in 2008 but I did gain weight and started to feel like the chubby girl again. 

Then... I went to Yellowstone National Park again! And it (once again), kick started more weight loss. Once I got back, I continued to loose weight and we get to today. . . 

Here is the grand "before and after" picture:

The picture the left is the biggest picture of me I could find. The picture on the right is the most recent picture of me. It was snapped on my boyfriends phone while I tried on clothes (for fun) at Banana Republic. 

I have lost 70 pounds and went down 6 dress sizes. 

It's strange because I have never been this size. I am not use to it. 

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Since I'm going along the theme of being honest - I'll be honest. . . 

Currently (as in right now as I'm typing in my bed), I hate being skinny. Well, that's kind of lie - I love it and hate it. I love it because I feel awesome. I can walk into a store and try on almost anything and it probably will look good. I don't need to worry about love handles, tires, or muffin tops.

I hate it because nothing in my closet fits. And if you've been following my blog then you know that I am on a strict "no spending" budget. 

On Christmas Eve, I am suppose to go out to dinner with my boyfriend's family. I am very stressed out about this. I was told to wear something nice but not formal. This is the worse situation for me. Even before (when all my clothes fit), I would stress out about this. But now, I literally don't have anything to wear. I thought maybe, I had some black pants I could wear so I tried them on. This is what it looks like:

This is how most my clothes look. All my tops can be pinch in the back about 3 - 4 inches.

I feel like such a brat right now. I'm complaining because I'm "too skinny" and that I "don't have enough clothes." I'm ashamed to admit that because I should be thankful that I'm in a healthy BMI range (finally) and that I have any clothes (even if they are too big). 

But regardless of my efforts to be thankful, I'm still stressed about what to wear on Saturday. . . 

Sorry for getting so off track and dampening the mood of my weight loss story. This is just how I'm feeling currently (on a grey rainy day). Taking a step back, I feel happy and proud of myself - it's taken a lot of work to loose weight. I shouldn't worry about buying clothes that fit because I can do that in the future. Now is the time that I should focus on maintaining my weight and making sure I don't gain it back.

And if you are curious how I lost it - eating less, drinking lots of water, and exercising. 

New Clothes

I've lost a bit of weight recently. . . maybe a bit more than a bit.

It's really frustrating.  I know- I'm a "skinny bitch." I'm complaining about loosing weight when millions of millions (and probably you) have trouble and a terrible time with it. My advice - go to Yellowstone and get poor.  But really, I'm done loosing weight until I can buy new clothes. I've actually been trying to put some weight back on. I go back and forth on the scale, plus or minus 5 pounds. 

On Black Friday, I went to Kohl's. I earned myself a shiny $15 in Kohl's cash. I was PUMPED to spend $15 on myself. ABSOLUTELY PUMPED. I spent 1 hour and 45 minutes in the store looking and debating on what to spend my precious $15 on. I went to the dressing 5 times. I probably tried on more than 20 tops and 10 pairs of jeans. It was really exciting!

And it wasn't just the money. It was that I have this awesome little skinny mini body and everything looks good on me (okay, I'm being prideful). I look good and I didn't really realize how new clothes could affect my persona and attitude towards myself. 

Two things happened: 

#1) I got very prideful. I thought I was better than everybody in the whole world. Why? Because I looked good and hot and sexy. And I was aloud to say that because at one point I did not look good or hot or sexy. 

#2) I started finding my value in outward appearance. My thoughts drifted towards, "I would feel so much better if I had a whole new wardrobe" . . . "if only I could afford one nice pair of jeans and three nice tops". . . "look at everybody else, they get to wear Banana Republic and Target and clothes that aren't faded or too big." Yes, I actually did have a thought of jealousy when my friend told me she bought new clothes at Target. . . "If only I could afford Target clothes..."

One thing learned:

LOOKS DONT MATTER. 
Even as I write that, I want to fight it. I want to say - "No, but they doooo! My boss says so, my professor says so, my friends so, my December issue of Real Simple says so..." But yeah know who doesn't say so!? (You know where I'm going with this one...) God.

Yeah, he doesn't care. He thinks that beauty is fleeting - that means, beauty is going to fade quickly. I won't be skinny and pretty forever - ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DEAD. And those peoples clothes won't be always so bright and colorful - especially when moths eat them. I need to focus on things that matter - like ETERNITY and virtues and blah blah blah good stuff good stuff.

But I still really want new clothes. If you have any clothes that you need to get rid of  (I know you do!!), give them to me (size small/medium or size 6 for pants)!

Here's what I spent my $15 Kohl's cash on:

Yep. A pair of new jeans (FOR ONLY $10.80) and a Justin Bieber shirt that I found in the little girls section. I thought it was a really good idea at the time...

But I am REALLY happy that I have a pair of jeans that fit me. I have legs again! and a waist!
The only problem is that they are extremely uncomfortable. Probably why they were $10. . . 




EDIT 6 minutes later..
I'm an oxymoron - AKA Hypocrite.
I'll have to write a post about my feeling about this post - How do I stay confident and true to myself yet not be consumed with the outside image?